Day 2: Observing Delusion

It's funny. If you were to ask me 6 months ago - do you trust yourself?

I would have initially said yes. As a gut reaction. Because I couldn't bear to face the reality of me actually NOT being able to trust myself.

That is an uncomfortable thought... realizing that 24/7 the voice in my head is/was not actually trustworthy.

As I got honest with myself and others who I could trust, I had to come to the HARSH realization that I really didn't fully trust myself.

I trusted myself enough to wake up in the morning when my alarm went off, to brush my teeth, eat healthy (most of the time), show up and follow through (most of the time).

But that won't cut it.

That is mediocrity.

So I got real.

I observed.

I noticed.

I realized that throughout my life, I have been impulsed by the world, and by myself, to basically automate myself to 'just get by'. Just get through the week. Just get through the day. "Brush it under the rug". Think about it later. "Not right now". Later....

That is a slow death.

That consistent "pushing off" actually compounded the distrust and delusion within me.

I knew I wanted things in my life to change, therefore I knew I must change things in my life.

What is it that I really need to change?

What I accept and allow of myself.

No more delusion. Real reality. 

Therefore (and read this out loud if you dare)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delude myself, and not even see the full extent of how delusional I had become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it isn't even possible to fully trust yourself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not follow through when I honestly knew that I should.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to be 100% honest with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand the nature of the human mind as a system that operates off of acceptances and allowances.

Therefore, when and as I notice delusion within myself, I stop and breathe

When and as I notice myself not trusting myself and not wanting to follow through, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I can trust myself, it will just take time and I can trust this process.

I realize that I am worthy of a life that is far greater than what I have been accepting and allowing.

I realize that my ability to observe is of critical importance, and I am grateful for my observations

I realize that living in delusion and distrust is a slow death, and I do not need to accept and allow that within myself

THEREFORE

I commit myself to respect myself enough to self-honestly look at my life and to look at what I am accepting and allowing

I commit myself to persist over time in my observation of myself, and my living of this change

I commit myself to living a f***ing awesome life that is an example to others, that we may rise above the mediocrity that we have accepted and allowed both individually and collectively

I commit myself to show myself that I can be trustworthy, and even if I fall down, I trust myself enough to get back up and keep going

I commit myself to be willing to be willing to change myself, from the ways I think and talk to myself, to changing what I accept and allow of myself

I commit myself to observation of myself, and taking responsibility for my life

I commit myself to build trust in myself, to move beyond delusion to real reality

I commit myself to realize that living life here is actually the most fun, gratifying and enjoyable way to live, and that I just needed to grant it to myself, which I do now.

Happy observing. Keep going. There is more to come.

-Mitch