Day 46 - Observe and Rewrite the Character

When I was a kid I was not fully present or aware of what was going on.

Because of this I sucked at baseball practice, because I wasn't present enough to slow down and understand why I wasn't good at batting. Little did I know that this character of not being present, then sucking at baseball, then the following feelings of being timid, being a loser, that THAT character would be embedded within me deep in my subconscious and unconscious, fueling my dread of doing ANYTHING that involved being part of a team, performing, learning, practicing and/or being disciplined.
I realize that I didn’t trust myself because in baseball I struck out and didn’t know how to hit the ball.

I dreaded baseball practice because I would come face to face with the physical reality that I was not effective at hitting the ball. I remember one night I struck out to lose the game. Even before the pitches were thrown I had already accepted I couldn’t get a hit.

Even if I made contact with the ball, I felt defeated and like it was just lucky.

I didn’t understand HOW it worked, with how the swing, my arms, the eye on the ball, ALL connecting with the ball in present time to make a successful hit. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blindly go through Life accumulating characters that were not supportive of Life, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can rewrite any character through Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to refuse to slow down and ask for support with batting practice

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it is possible to rush perfection, failing to see/realize/understand that perfection is the process of over and over doing something at the conscious competence level, ALWAYS willing to go back to the basics 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have failed to see that the real lesson in baseball was me being blatantly aware that the physical will be the real test for if I know something, as I will act DIFFERENTLY and get a DIFFERENT RESULT externally, if my internal change is real, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dread being tested in the physical, failing to see/realize/understand that the test in the physical is the cutting edge and is the best way for me to grow, and is thus a wonderful thing that I now eagerly anticipate while remaining present and Here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self-esteem in a sports game, failing to realize that WHO I AM as LIFE is HERE, where whether I successfully hit a baseball or not is indicative of my worth as Life, where my self-esteem comes into question, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less than a human because of my failures, not being perfect from day 1, or even year 1, rather I now realize that perfection is the process, it is WHO I AM in the moment of the test, the practice, the writing, the breath, and the directing of myself always and in all ways to do what is best for all Life, THAT is what counts, the Self-Directiveness and the Principled-Living, the results of the successful activity will emerge FROM Who I am in the moment-by-moment living

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not realize that every failure brings the seed of equal greatness, where if I did fail at hitting the ball, I now have a better opportunity of successfully hitting the next ball, IF I was aware…… where now I realize just how little I have been aware through my Life thus far…. Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware in the baseball game, truly observing with responsibility to improve my performance, rather I had just separated myself into my mind and character of the timid loser, where I participate with the world as the shy, timid, loser character, fearful of stepping up and just accepting defeat claiming “I didn’t know any better”, completely abdicating responsibility and Self-Directiveness, UNTIL HERE no FURTHER

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed defeat and no further movement/progress of perfection, without realizing that the defeat can be the input necessary to become the best version of myself. Defeat and losing is GOOD because who I am is Life directing myself and all Life to what is best for all Life, which will include temporary defeats/losses/failures, yet this is part of Anti-Fragile Living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate defeat with being of less worth and value, through the images and media I had watched, accepted and allowed, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the participation of emotional energy in the winning or losing of a game, rather than the perfection of the process by which the winning CAN happen

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate the responsibility of understanding probabilities and what is best to do to ensure the highest likelihood of a favorable outcome, like how to best swing the bat, approach the plate, talk to myself, breathe, connect with the ball and observe/take responsibility of my process as a team player where I can learn from anyone/everyone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat, as the shy timid loser morphs into the self-righteous pity partier, completely losing myself as Life to delusion of energy, thinking that somehow I do not need to physically change myself and do something different in order to get the results I want to get… UNTIL HERE NO FURTHER. The Time is Here to get the results I intend, which is creating a world that is best for all Life, that is the ONLY character and way of being that I accept and allow. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have failed to see the practical gifts of playing baseball, where I now see that the discipline of being part of a team, practicing, showing up at games whether I feel like it or not was a massive support for me now as I understand that DOING WHAT IS BEST and sticking to commitments is the only thing that matters, my feelings are irrelevant

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so clouded by emotion and the living of the character that I have failed to see that it is possible to immediately breathe and be Here and be aware of what is best in each moment AND direct myself in the moment, ALL the time, this IS possible, it just takes a process as the 7 year journey to Life where I am rewriting my characters to be ONLY the character of what is best for all Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my Self-Esteem and Self-Worth is Life and what is best for all Life that we are walking into existence, observing more and more, taking more and more responsibility, so each and every day walking process is what counts, and THIS is Who I am, I accept nothing more and nothing less

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my self-trust and degrade my self-trust, through participating in energy/characters that I have not even yet put words to, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am peeling back layers of characters which WILL take time and physical living application, so the best focus of me and Who I AM, is on taking FULL responsibility of what is HERE, doing it perfectly, perfecting each point, THEN the next layers will emerge and I will be ready for them, as WHO I AM is Perfection in each and every moment, improving each and every day, until what is best for all Life is evident and ensured, breath by breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for judging myself for years, and harboring this judgment toward myself, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing who I am to be compromised as less than Life, failing to see Self-Forgiveness is the Solution, until Here no Further, as I peel back each layer through Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Application, dissipating each energetic charge and character/personality, rewriting Self, as each moment I learn and PROVE that I TRUST myself, and that as I continually walk this process, Who I AM as LIFE as the ONE character of What is Best for All Life is Here and Living as Self, equal to and one with all Life, patiently progressing, perfecting process, moment by moment breath by breath. Beyond self-judgment, just presence, Here, Living Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that through this writing I went to Best For All Life Character from Shy Timid Loser, as I now see that NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS I will persist and I will succeed as Anti-Fragile is a Living Word Within me that I openly welcome the best tests to thus prove to myself in complete integrity that I am antifragile and my character IS living as what is best for all Life. I know peeling back and reintegrating each character will be a journey, and I am Living this Journey and it WILL be done. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have failed to see that my commitment statements are part of WHO I AM, and therefore How I Show Up with others is in TRUST, where what is best WILL emerge and this will just take time and patience and be wonderful practice of breathing, being here and GIVING of WHO I AM FULLY. I am teachable. I am willing to learn, willing to change, willing to prove myself and do whatever it takes to create a world that is best for all Life. 

Therefore

When and as I notice myself participating in shyness, timidity and/or the energy of ‘loser’ I stop and I breathe

I realize that losing is winning provided I am Here in awareness to learn the lesson and thus Live the Correction, even if it takes time, I am committed as this is WHO I AM

I realize that shyness and timidity is abdication of responsibility, which is unacceptable

I realize that Real Living is Giving of myself unconditionally

I realize that Who I Am is Life

I realize that from every failure and loss there are gifts that I am aware of, as I am more present every day as I write/right myself to Life

I realize that my characters that I have accepted and allowed are actively being purified to ONLY remain as what is best for all Life

I realize that I am Self-Honestly Walking the 7 year journey to Life

I realize that I do not need to doubt this journey, rather just breathe and be Here

I realize that Self-Directiveness is imperative to doing what is best and Living the Change

I realize that I am changing myself fundamentally

I realize that baseball, striking out, stepping up to tell my parents I wanted to quit, was all part of my journey, but NOW I realize that REAL LIFE and the WORLD SYSTEM is the game that I am 100% focused on “winning”, that I am perfectly prepared always and in all ways through my Life until now, so that none of my baseball or ANY EVENTS I HAVE EVER BEEN PART OF have ever been in vain, because I am HERE, CLEAR and Breathing, Giving, Living. We are the dream team. We are Team Life. We will WIN and create the world so that it IS best for all Life

Therefore

I commit myself to show myself that I am antifragile

I commit myself to creating the world to be best for all Life, by FIRST creating my self and purifying myself to be that which is best for all Life, which looks like actively walking my process every day, showing up, following the schedule, GIVING to my communities, and Breathing/Living Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction moment by moment breath by breath

I commit myself to openly taking more and more responsibility through who I am, how I interact, the day to day living and building of my organizations and projects, where I support others to walk their journey to Life through using TT and plugging in to the systems

I commit myself to participate with the best thoughts of upcoming events and situations, realizing that each and every event, new connection, new opportunity is ALL best, because who I AM is Life, antifragile, aware and Here

I commit myself to show myself that I can continually have the best day ever even if there are things ‘hanging over my head’ or commitments that I’ve made that will take time to come to fruition, because WHO I AM is what counts, THAT is the real accumulation, the breath by breath accumulation of the responsibility/observation where always and in all ways I do what is best for all Life

I commit myself to realize that Giving is Living and this is Who I AM as Life - Giving Unconditionally, intentionally and wisely

I commit myself to realize that in every moment I can breathe and be aware of what is going on, if there are characters running in my mind, and I can LIVE and Direct Myself in each moment, no character manifestations needed, ONLY the character of what is best for all Life

I commit myself to live as the character of what is best for all Life, removing anything else

I commit myself to show myself that discipline is best

I commit myself to understand breath by breath accumulation of responsibility where always and in all ways I am directing myself as Life for what is best for all Life

I commit myself to prove to myself that feelings are irrelevant, the discipline is what truly counts

I commit myself to consistent daily writing in Self-Honesty