Day 30: Conflict = Antifragile Living

I have not liked conflict because there is a fear that the other person will harm me and end my life

My fear of conflict is fear of loss

Any trigger point that is abrasive like a swear word, an energetic reaction, or a physical motion that indicates frustration/intense emotion, I notice myself react to the trigger point, which leads to the compounding of the emotional conflict and fear of physical conflict

I will now write out the origin of the conflict, and the meaning of the conflict-generating experience

I remember as a child my dad would have bouts of anger and rage where he would swear

I remember being afraid of him when he would be angry as I could not predict when it would be over

One time we were working on a project in the house and it was not going as he had planned, he exclaimed swear words which I reacted to with fear and held the fear/anxiety in my body and I did not breathe deeply

Over the years I have developed a repression emotion that was my response to the trigger point of his exclamations of swear words which and I have continually reacted to the trigger point whether it was an action done by my dad or when I would notice within others when they get angry and conflict is generated, which I have accepted and allowed myself to be complacent around conflict which is not best. I choose to embrace conflict and direct it to what is best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have failed to investigate the origin of the meaning of the frustrating experience that I observed within my memory of myself and my dad working on the house project, which this original point of frustration was followed by the explosion of the energy, the reactions and the chain reactions and consequences of the initial moment of frustration, going unexamined until now

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have failed to see/realize/understand that breath, coupled with self-forgiveness, coupled with speaking up and directing the situation (reminding the others to breathe and to practically remember the goal and work to the goal) is actually best, even if it does not feel good

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking up when I notice the energy is building in a frustrating experience, until Here no Further

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid the conversation of preparedness and prevention to effectively guide myself and others like my dad through a project where the emotions can just remain stable, and should they flair up, this is a gift to understand what can be worked through to the point it is stabilized and neutralized

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and re-create and recharge and strengthen the character of avoidance within and as myself, until Here no further

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have failed to redefine avoidance until now, where Avoidance = Access to the Secret Mind, which is a gift to see/realize/understand because I get to identify what may be worked on and eradicated to thus stand Here as Life, FULLY

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have refused to see/realize/understand the gift that is my ability to sense emotion within myself and others, and within that initial moment of awareness of emotions should they arise, to then breathe and direct others to breathe as needed to thus stay stable to actually just work to what is best, and apply self-forgiveness and self-corrective application as needed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to stand up to a perceived authority like my father and communicate with him one and equal to direct us each to what is a win-win between us, where I know the frustration and the anger expression is NOT best, the inner conflict is NOT best, and the fear of conflict between us is also NOT best, so I will breathe and remain within Self-Honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have failed to see the gift of Conflict, which is the realization that conflict exists and is not inherently bad, it is part of how reality is set up, rather Conflict is a cross-reference point for myself to see am I truly changing and am I willing to actually stand for what is best for all Life, or will I cave in to the energy I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have failed to redefine conflict in a way that is best for all Life until now, where Conflict = Antifragile Living I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rob myself and others of the experience of conflict as Antifragile Living based in my fear and fear of loss, and my reluctance and avoidance of actually understanding and Living the gift that is conflict, and everything that comes from the realization of this gift. Just remember to breathe and apply within Principle :)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is not best to go back in the aftermath of a conflictory experience where one ‘explodes’ in reaction, to then walk back through what happened and practically apply self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, thus neutralizing the consequences, because by myself not actually walking back through it, this is a time loop that I am responsible for resolving as I know too much about how to apply self-forgiveness, that it is just self-interest and fear of loss (of my time, my relationship with the other as it is, and loss of ego energy) that would keep me from responding within and as Self-Responsibility as the real Life Authority that I am, WHEN I am choosing to Live as the Life Authority,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the energy authority to remain dominant within me which has been proven through my actions of NOT speaking up and directing situations as Life, until Here no Further

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed spitefulness and abuse to exist within myself and others through our preprogramming of anger/rage/conflict and the fear/shame/sadness/guilt with the conflict, until Here no further, I know too much to accept and allow the emotions and the consequences that is unacceptable behavior Here as Life

When and as I notice myself abdicating Life authority and responsibility for energy-authority (and not directing the situation to what is actually best by neutralizing the energy and standing as a Living example of what is best) I stop and I breathe

I realize that my speaking up is essential to what is best for all Life

I realize that I have gifts to share with others that can ONLY come from me leading situations and directing situations through presence and breath by breath awareness

I realize that fearing conflict just allows the time loop to happen thus I have been responsible for the abuse - until Here no further

I realize I will be confronted with these situations of conflict and it is my responsibility to breathe through the point of change and ‘walk through the firewall/waterfall’ and actually physically change myself in my relationship with others

I realize that emotional reactions and the consequences, if not dealt with effectively within self-honesty and principle, is unacceptable Here as Life. We have not got time to waste. Time for Real Brutal Self-Honesty and Truly Living the Principles

I realize that the gift of my dad being angry is me seeing that real physical reality is still Here, the energy is temporary and the energy has consequence, but ME as LIFE and HE as LIFE still remain, and there is still opportunity to change, but the time is dwindling, so within and as all of this……

I commit myself to embrace conflict head on

I commit myself to be bold

I commit myself to lead myself through difficult situations 

I commit myself to Self-Honest Self-Reflection, to assess where I am accepting and allowing anything less than my utmost potential

I commit myself to breathe

I commit myself to stand and live as Life Authority and do what is best no matter who I am talking to whether it is my dad or business partners or ANYONE, I will do what is best for all Life and breathe through any discomfort or reaction, as I know that as I walk through these situations I fundamentally change myself and our collective reality

I commit myself to work through conflict

I commit myself to be OK with others emotional reactions to what I say, as they will see over time that I stand as a Living Example and I “practice what I preach”

I commit myself to find the gifts within conflict, to understand them and live them as I work through any and all conflict and apply Self-Forgiveness, Self-Corrective Application and the Self-Directive Principle always and in all ways